I've never done drugs and I think it is pretty safe to say I never will. I've known people who have and I'm not passing judgment or anything, but I don't think I'm missing much. What does depress me though is the hours upon hours of 'just say no' media I sat through as a child. Why? Because in my 23 years of existence I've never, not once, been offered to partake in any drug related activity. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

G.I. Joe, the Muppet babies, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they trained me to be a soldier in the war on drugs. NO! I WILL NOT TAKE A HIT EVEN IF THIS FIRST ONE IS FREE! Kermit would be so proud of me when I barked that at the skeezy looking dealer with his backwards hat, boombox, and fingerless gloves. Sadly, that chance never came and I'm left with this empty feeling I've dubbed 'dealer neglect'.

Dealer neglect is the worst of all the neglects one can suffer. Drugs is a business and business as anyone who has seen the Godfather knows, isn't personal. However, dealer neglect says to a kid, "we don't want you OR your money. Its no good here, we don't even consider you a potential customer". It was as if the world of narcotics picked me last for kickball and then didn't approach me to buy drugs.

Is it too late for me? I'm afraid so. Yelling MISS PIGGY WARNED ME ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU! is not going to bring the satisfaction it would have 10-15 years ago. Also, they might assume I'm already a user if I'm screaming about the Muppet Babies and pointing my finger right at that spot between their eyes, causing them to look slightly cross-eyed as I finish the screaming proclamation, which is how I always imagined it when I would practice with a mirror.

So I'm putting the issue to rest, letting it go, and moving on. I'm an adult now and have bigger things to worry about. For example, if a guy approaches me in the parking lot after work and asks me if I want to embezzle money from Microsoft, I'll know just what to say. I've been practicing.